C is for Cat

I swear, this isn't the crazy cat lady post you're expecting.
Since I already introduced you all to Odie, I suppose it's time you met Luscious Lou Volberding II. We just call him Cat most of the time so he's not constantly reminding us of the creepy wood-shop teacher he's named after. It's best if you don't ask questions, trust me.

Now, I don't really have any heartwarming story about Lou and Lucas. This post is more of an in depth look at what living with a cat is like. It's a cautionary tale for those who might someday find themselves being wooed by an adorable kitten at Petsmart, then soon find their house covered in unraveled toilet paper and cat litter that has been maliciously flung from its designated box. 

But he's so gosh darn cute, I'd probably do it again.

Mostly what having a baby around the cat has taught me is that our cat has what I assume is a very low IQ. Lucas pets the cat like he pets the dog, occasionally pulling out whiskers, and the cat won't move because he doesn't want to give up the warm spot on the couch. It's all about priorities, isn't it, Cat?

He'll wander into the living room during daycare hours and just get mauled to death by these little ones. Even when I move him on top of the couch, he'll shimmy back down to his original spot and take the torture of a houseful of excited toddlers in exchange for his preferred location. He's pretty mellow about all the unwanted attention. He doesn't hiss or swat of bite or claw. He just looks real mad, and stands his ground.

So, you know, he's good with kids in this really awkward way. It's pretty much his only redeeming quality. Unless you really want a cat that snuggles with you and needs your constant love and affection in a way that is similar to, but more obnoxious than, a dog.

Here is a list of Cat's favorite pastimes:

1. Slapping the dog in the face and running out of the room
2. Meowing in the hallway at 4am, then hiding when we come to find him
3. Cleaning himself in the center of the living room, bed, or while on top of you
4. Sneaking into the backyard to eat grass, then throwing up on a carpeted area
5. Pissing on large furniture when angry with the dog

He's also incredibly adverse to change, sometimes poops over the edge of his litter-box and enjoys licking cheese that Lucas leaves unattended on his plate. Cats are terrible people.

Don't get a cat.