N is for New Beginnings

Just being a big helper, like always.

I know I've bared all and told you how difficult motherhood has been for me. The most difficult parts were letting go of control and unrealistic expectations. And the crying and tantrums and crazy hormones. It left me feeling like a failure many days. I would lose my temper. I would feel unproductive. I would think to myself that it would never get better.

But after a while I learned to approach those bad days with a different mindset. I started hitting a mental reset button every time I felt like I'd done it all wrong. I gave myself new beginnings in hopes that things would turn around. Because surely it must get better, right?

Yes, it does. Thank God, it does.

It has been a long journey, but I feel like Lucas and I have finally found our groove. We have more good days than bad. There are hugs and kisses and snuggles. There is dancing, so much dancing, and singing too. There are adventures and wagon rides. There are piles of books read on blankets while he's nestled in my lap. There is picking tomatoes and watering plants. There is baking bread and stirring pots and tasting treats.

There is love like I have never known.

There are still bad days and tantrums and he's totally stopped sleeping through the night...again. Nothing will ever be perfect. But we are standing on the other side of what feels like a tremendous battle, and I breathe a sigh of relief for that each and every day. It has been hard, but I say this with more conviction than ever, it has been worth it.

Sometimes I look back on the struggle and feel like I missed out on those sweet infant days, because I felt like I was drowning. Sometimes I regret not easing into motherhood in the way I thought I would. Sometimes I wish our story had worked out differently. But more and more often, I feel like the struggle was good for me. It allows me to appreciate the good days more fully, enjoy Lucas' love towards me in a way I couldn't fathom had we not been through the ringer. 

This is our new beginning; this is where our story takes flight.
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