Desperate Times

Photo by Lemaire Photography (seriously, they're amazing)
It's time for this beautiful baby belly to go. It's past time actually. I've been ready for her arrival for far too long. Especially since last Tuesday's doctor's appointment, when I found out I was 3cm dilated and 70% effaced and my doctor pretty much told me I'd be having a baby by morning. I've been on pins and needles ever since, and let me tell you, times are getting pretty desperate around here.

And yes, equally desperate measures are being taken.

I'm trying everything in the book (with the exception of castor oil, because diarrhea and vomiting seems like the worst way to go into labor ever) and then some. Walking? Try running. I've been RUNNING at 39 weeks pregnant in attempt to bring this little one out. Okay, so it's more of a pathetic slow waddling jog. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the 80-year-old Filipino man who power-walks around the neighborhood with 3lb free-weights could pass me (which is why I run in the opposite direction of his loop). While this always ramps up my contractions and makes me super sweaty and uncomfortable, it's been pretty ineffective.

Also ineffective? Eating a whole, yes WHOLE, fresh pineapple until my gums bled profusely and all other food tasted like fire when it hit my tongue. The enzymes are supposed to "ripen" the cervix and help dilation along. According to my brief and wholly irresponsible internet research, this looked like a very promising option. Not to mention I had a friend who tried it and said it worked. At the end of the day, my cervix seems entirely unimpressed and my mouth still hurts. A lot.

Eating spicy Indian food for dinner seems to make contractions hurt a whole lot worse. Until you realize you're not really having contractions. Just really bad indigestion. Disappointment abounds for many reasons here.

And the horizontal hustle is a tried and true method that even my doctor recommended. I will spare you a TMI moment, but let's just say that after extensive research my body is proving this natural labor inducer ineffective as well. Side note, it's an acrobatic feat to be doing it this late in pregnancy. Seriously.

I still need to find myself some raspberry tea and primrose oil (even though I'll feel like a weird hippie buying them), but my hope for success is already pretty dashed from all my other failed attempts.Which by the way, I tried all in one day.

Over it.