Planting My Heels

When I said things were better this time around, it was true. When I said it was all love and sunshine and flowers, that was mostly true as well. When I said I would be fine, I really believed it was true.

But it's not true right now, so I may not be around as much in the coming weeks.

Some days I'm all right and others I feel like a slow sinking ship. My moods are unpredictable, as are my reactions. Some days I can calm the tantrums and put the day back on track, some days every little whine makes me furious and I resort to time outs. I snap. I yell. Some nights I can walk around singing lullabies for an hour, some nights the crying sets my teeth on edge and I have to walk away. I withdraw. I cry.

I can feel the hopelessness - those familiar feelings of entrapment and despair - clawing at me, trying to get back in. I can feel my toes off the edge of that cliff, and I know how easy it would be to just look down and fall. But I'm doing my best to dig my heels in, and tethering myself to people who can help me stay standing.

Because I'm not going to fall down there again.

And that's why I'm writing this, even though I don't want to. Even though I'm still ashamed and scared of the judgement. Even though I don't want to face all the people who will ask me, slowly, if I am okay, then flinch before I answer. Even though I want to hide it and pretend it's not there like I did before. It's not a secret worth keeping. I know that for a fact.

I think I'll still be writing in the coming weeks, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm playing it by ear, making sure I'm taken care of before anything else. Writing online takes a great deal of discipline for me. I have to be vigilant in making sure my time is not wasted, or the internet can quickly become a huge source of unhappiness for me.

So you'll have to bear with me if it's quiet for a while. My screen time is going to be drastically limited, and e-mails may go unanswered for a while. But I will be back. And things will be better. I'm making sure of it. xoxo
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